Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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