SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
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