people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
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