I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
