I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Randomize
