I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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