If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
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