Sponge bath it is.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
