So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Randomize
