Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
