Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
