I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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