You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
