i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
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