On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
