at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
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