I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
