So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
