I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
