I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
