Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
my phone needs a breathalizer
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
