So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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