Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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