Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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