I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Moan for me like Helen Keller
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
