Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
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