Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Randomize
