He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
