you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
