i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
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