Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
