alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
this just has baby written all over it
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
