i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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