Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize
