my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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