I showed him my bush... on skype.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
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