she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
