Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
