I should be sponsored by Trojan
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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