theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Randomize
