so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
