1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Randomize
