Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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