I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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