Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Randomize
