Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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