i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
