oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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