Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
