Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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