I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
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