that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
