can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Randomize
