About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Randomize
